Saturday, August 16, 2014

SummerSlam 2014 Predictions

SummerSlam 2014 is tomorrow! Here's my predictions for each of the 8 announced matches, broken down in "What I want to happen", which is where I basically fantasy book each match, and "What will happen", which is where I give my actual prediction of what will happen.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: John Cena (c) vs. Brock Lesnar

What I want to happen: Brock CANNOT lose clean here. WWE just figured out how to bring back the mystique of Lesner by having him beat The Streak, and I can’t think of a better way to kill that then by “Cena overcomes odds/no sells, Attitude Adjustment, win”.

In a perfect world, Lesner would win here, then lose the title to a returning Daniel Bryan at Night of Champions, but it looks like Bryan won’t be returning at least until the Rumble, so that’s moot. Although, in a really perfect world, Bryan would’ve never gotten hurt and this main event would be Bryan/Lesner, so that’s moot anyway.

The best case scenario then is for Brock to straight up maul Cena to death. Just beat him mercilessly until he gets a DQ loss, then beat him mercilessly for another 5, 10, or 100 minutes, leaving Cena in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit. Then Seth Rollins cashes in Money in the Bank and becomes champ.

People might think that Seth isn’t ready to be champion, but what are the other options? Cena retains? Boring. Lesner wins? Part time champ. Cena keeps calling Lesner a mercenary, but why would a mercenary want to be the champion? What makes more sense is that Trips brought in Lesner to make sure that the title would go to his new golden boy, Seth Rollins. Plus, think about how much more epic the Rollins/Ambrose feud would be if the world title was involved.

What will happen: Cena overcomes odds/no sells, Attitude Adjustment, win.


Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho

What I want to happen: The Wyatts have accomplished basically nothing since beating the Shield at Elimination Chamber way back in February, and they’re all coming off clean loses at Battleground, so if Creative wants to keep pushing them as an actual threat, Bray needs the win here. More than that, I want Bray Wyatt to wow me in the ring. I love his character work, but Bray hasn’t impressed me as a singles wrestler since his amazing match with Daniel Bryan at the Royal Rumble. His previous match with Jericho was alright, but for whatever reason, I wasn’t into it. Maybe they just don’t have any chemistry with each other, but on paper Jericho/Wyatt should illicit a barnburner reaction, not the resounding “meh” that accompanied their Battleground match.
Also, I don’t care how or why or on who, but Jericho should turn heel.

What will happen: Bray wins, ending the feud, and Jericho goes on another wrestling hiatus.  


Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon

What I want to happen: Both women are horrible, but Steph is enjoyable heel horrible, and Brie is just horrible horrible. Seriously, the reason that Steph and Trips have been basically the best heels in the WWE for all of 2014 is that the majority of what they say is true. They do run company, and they can run how they see fit, albeit in an entirely dickish way. Both in and out of keyfabe, making Daniel Bryan forfeit his title because he’s injured and we, the audience, need a fighting champion, is truly what’s “best for business”.

Brie, on the other hand, is probably the worst babyface in the WWE right now. Calling her boss a bitch like a hundred times, slapping her, and quitting for no basically no reason. Real, good people do not act like this, WWE. This is why smarks like me enjoy tend to enjoy heels more than your generic, whitebread, horrible babyfaces.

So, in case you haven’t guess, I want Steph to win. What would be awesome if she took a cue from her husband’s Mania 30 playbook and started pulling out some dope ass Tiger Suplexes all over Brie. What would be even more awesome would be if Brie took a cue from her husband’s playbook and actually learned how to wrestle.

What will happen: Lots of slapping, lots of usage of the word “bitch”, Brie wins because Good>Evil or whatever.


Flag Match: Jack Swagger vs. Rusev

What I want to happen: I usually hate undefeated streaks, but the Rusev vs. America feud is so hot, they probably could stretch it out until a Mania match against John Cena. I don’t necessarily want that to happen, but whatever it takes to keep Cena out of the title picture.

Above all else, I want this match to go for a long time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Rusev match longer than like 8 minutes since he got called up to the main roster, which is a shame, because he can go in the ring. And so can Swagger if he puts in the effort to do so. What would be great if Rusev gets in an early super kick, slaps on the Accolade, then Swagger becomes the first man to break out of it, after which they go for another 10 or 15 minutes, beating the holy hell out of each other.

What will happen: Swagger wins, because America.


WWE Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige  

What I want to happen: I honestly do not understand this “frenemies” thing. How are either AJ or Paige benefiting from being friends yet also hating each other? I guess it’s so they can slowly turn Paige heel, but at this point, I would’ve preferred an abrupt, out of nowhere turn over this. Perhaps I just have a poor understanding of how female friendships work, but the whole thing is confusing to me.

It’s kinda getting old at this point, but want I want from this match is for it to be a good wrestling match. Shocking, right? Just like Rusev/Swagger, AJ and Paige could put on a hell of a match with each other if given the opportunity. I’d love for Paige to win here and for her to become “Super Badass Heel Champion Paige”, instead of the “Lame Nice Girl Babyface Champion Paige” that we got with her first run.

What will happen: AJ retains and goes on to have another lengthy title run, probably until Charlotte is called up from NXT.


Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns

What I want to happen: Roman needs to be taken down a peg. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but ever since the Shield breakup, Reigns has been constantly pushed down our throats as the next big, generic, invincible, whitebread, horrible WWE babyface who only uses the same 5 moves, also known as “Samoan John Cena”. I don’t recall when the last time he lost a singles match clean was, and that’s not good. The WWE Universe does not often respond well to Creative saying “this thing is great. YOU ALL SHOULD LOVE IT”.

Mostly, I want this match to not be boring. Randy Orton, contrary to what his detractors say, has the ability to put on a great match every night he gets in the ring, he just needs to not go through the motions so much. Surprise us, Randy, and we’ll love you.

I think this would be a great set up for an Orton face turn. He triumphs over Reigns here, goes to tell his big brother Trips about it, but Hunter is too focused on Randy 2.0 (Seth Rollins). Orton, being the pisser that he is, is super jealous, so he splits from the Authority, becomes a badass face who doesn’t give a shit about who likes him or whatever, and has a blood feud with new WWE Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins.

What will happen: Running dropkick, Samoan Drop, Superman Punch, Spear, Reigns wins, goes on to a match with Triple H at Night of Champions.


Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

What I want to happen: Hollywood Miz is probably the best Miz has ever been, and he’s even better with a championship belt around his waist. I totally support him having a long run with the IC belt, especially if it’s finally put to an end by a returning Wade Barrett, who turns face by simply saying “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news: I’m going to fuck you up” and elbowing Miz to death.

As for Ziggler, I love him, but I’ve mostly given up thinking that he’ll be anywhere near the world title picture ever again, which makes it really hard for me to support him winning the IC title. As much as I don’t want to admit it, Ziggler is fantastic at losing, consistently making his opponent look great, so if he’s not gonna be in the world title hunt like he belongs, might as well just continue to have him be the world’s greatest jobber.

What will happen: Miz retains in a good match. These two have great chemistry in the ring together, and I don’t seeing that being any different here.


Lumberjack Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins


What I want to happen: For the Lumberjack stipulation to not play into the match a single time. For Rollins and Ambrose to put on the legit Match of the Year contender we all know they can, without being interrupted by dumb PG era stipulation hijinks.
That said, it would be interesting for the stipulation that Dean picked to be turned on him. Have all the Lumberjacks be heels paid off by the Authority. Dean manages to steal the win anyway via rollup or something, but Seth immediately gets his heat back by beating Ambrose down with the help of Rybaxel, Heath Slater, Fandango, and whatever other bottom of the card heel jobbers we got, putting Dean seemingly out of commission for the rest of the night.

That allows Rollins to cash in Money in the Bank after the main event. Then just as his impromptu title match is about to start, a bruised, battered, and broken Ambrose jumps out of nowhere, despite his early beating, only for him to get murdered by a still-ringside Brock Lesner. That way we get Seth as champion, but Dean continues to be an awesome badass underdog, an underdog that takes Brock freakin Lesner to put him down.

What will happen: Dean wins in a good match, albeit one constantly interrupted by dumb PG era stipulation hijinks.

And that's the show! Watch on Sunday night to if I'm even remotely correct about any of this.

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